How to Write a Eulogy: A Step-by-Step Guide

Someone asked you to give the eulogy. You said yes because you loved this person, and now you're sitting in front of a blank page wondering how to compress an entire human life into five minutes. Here's the truth nobody tells you: a eulogy doesn't need to capture everything. It needs to capture something — one truth about this person that everyone in the room will recognize and nod.

Before You Start Writing

You don't have to say yes. If you were asked to give a eulogy and the thought of it fills you with dread — not normal nervousness, but genuine dread — it's okay to decline. You can say, "I'm honored you asked, but I don't think I can get through it. Can I help in another way?" Nobody will judge you.

You don't have to do it alone. Two or three people can share a eulogy. One person tells the childhood stories, another covers the adult years, a third reads a poem or letter. Splitting it reduces the pressure and gives the audience multiple perspectives.

There is no wrong way to do this. Some eulogies are funny. Some are quiet. Some are three minutes. Some are ten. Some are read from a page. Some are spoken from memory. All of them are right if they come from a real place.

Aim for 3 to 5 minutes. That's 500 to 750 words — roughly one and a half to two pages, double-spaced. Shorter is fine. Longer than 7 minutes risks losing the room.

Step 1 — Brainstorm (15 Minutes)

Don't start writing sentences. Start by dumping everything onto paper.

Grab a blank page and write down answers to these questions. Don't edit. Don't organize. Just write whatever comes:

Don't skip question 3. The imperfections are what make a eulogy feel human. The bad meatloaf. The terrible jokes. The stubborn refusal to ask for directions. These details make the audience laugh and cry at the same time — which is exactly what a eulogy should do.

Step 2 — Find Your Theme (5 Minutes)

Look at your brainstorm answers. One idea will keep showing up. That's your theme.

The theme is not a topic — it's a truth. "My dad loved fishing" is a topic. "My dad showed love by doing things quietly, without asking for credit" is a truth. The truth is your theme.

Examples of themes that work:

• "She showed up. Every single day, for every single one of us, she showed up."
• "He said what he did mattered more than what he said."
• "She knew everyone — and made every person feel like the most important one in the room."
• "He was the funniest person I've ever known — not because he told jokes, but because he saw the world differently."

Your theme is the sentence you'd say if someone stopped you in the hallway and asked, "What was [Name] really like?" The first thing out of your mouth — that's your theme.

Step 3 — Choose 2-3 Stories (10 Minutes)

Stories are the engine of a eulogy. Not adjectives. Not descriptions. Stories.

Pick 2 or 3 stories that illustrate your theme. That's it. You don't need to cover their entire life. Three vivid stories paint a more complete picture than a chronological biography ever could.

Rules for choosing stories:

• At least one should make people laugh
• At least one should make people feel something deeper
• At least one should be something not everyone in the room already knows
• All of them should be TRUE

Step 4 — Structure It

Every good eulogy follows the same simple structure:

Step 5 — Write the First Draft (30 Minutes)

Sit down and write it in one sitting. Don't edit as you go. Just get it on paper.

Write it the way you talk. If you'd say "Mom was stubborn as hell," write that — don't clean it up to "Mother was determined." The audience wants to hear YOU, not a formal version of you.

Use the person's name — or what you called them. "Mom," "Pop-Pop," "Coach," "Grandma Rose." Not "the deceased" or "our beloved."

Include one direct quote if you can. "She used to say, 'If you can't be kind, at least be quiet.'" Direct quotes bring the person back into the room for a moment. Even one line of their actual voice is powerful.

Don't try to cover their entire life. Skip the chronological biography (born in 1947, graduated in 1965, married in 1970...). The obituary handles that. The eulogy handles who they WERE, not what they DID.

End by speaking directly to them. "I love you, Dad." "Thank you, Grandma." "Save me a seat, Jake." This is the emotional peak — let it land.

Step 6 — Edit (20 Minutes)

Read it out loud. If something sounds wrong when you say it, cut it or change it.

Length check: Read the entire thing out loud with a timer. If it's over 5 minutes, cut the weakest story. If it's under 2 minutes, add one more detail or story.

Three mistakes that weaken eulogies:

1. The chronological trap. "John was born in 1952 in Wheeling. He graduated from Wheeling Park High School in 1970. He married Carol in 1974..." — This is an obituary, not a eulogy. If your draft reads like a timeline, delete it and start with a story instead.

2. The thesaurus problem. "She was a resplendent beacon of magnanimous warmth." — If you wouldn't say it out loud to a friend, don't write it. Simple language hits harder. "She made you feel like you mattered" beats any $5 word.

3. The everybody eulogy. "He was a loving husband, devoted father, and loyal friend." — This describes every person who ever lived. Replace every adjective with a specific detail. Not "devoted father" — "he drove two hours each way to every single one of my games and never once complained about the traffic."

Step 7 — Practice (Do This Twice Minimum)

Read it aloud at least twice before the funeral. Not in your head — out loud, standing up, at speaking volume. You need to:

• Know where the emotional moments are so they don't ambush you
• Know which words are hard to say without breaking down
• Practice pausing and breathing through those moments
• Make sure it flows naturally and nothing sounds awkward

Practice in front of someone if possible. A spouse, sibling, or close friend. Ask them: "Does this sound like [Name]? Am I missing anything important?"

Mark your printed copy. Use a highlighter to mark the emotional moments where you might need to pause. Write "BREATHE" in the margin. Use a large font (16pt minimum) so you can read through tears.

Fill-In Eulogy Template

If you're completely stuck, start here. Fill in the blanks, then rewrite in your own voice.

This template works for any relationship. Fill it in, then rewrite every line in your own words until it sounds like you — not like a template.

What If the Relationship Was Complicated?

Not every eulogy is for a person who was universally loved. Sometimes the person had flaws that can't be ignored — addiction, estrangement, a difficult personality, a troubled past. Here's how to handle it with honesty and grace.

You don't have to pretend they were perfect. A eulogy full of praise for someone the audience knows was difficult will feel dishonest — and the audience will disengage. Acknowledge the complexity without dwelling on it.

Name it briefly, then redirect. Something like: "Dad and I didn't always see eye to eye. There were years we barely spoke. But when I think about what I want to say today, I keep coming back to the fact that he taught me how to fish, how to change a tire, and how to shake someone's hand like you meant it. Those things stayed with me even when other things didn't."

Focus on what was true and good — even if it was small. Maybe they weren't a great parent but they were a brilliant storyteller. Maybe the addiction took over, but before it did, they were the person who made everyone laugh. You can honor the good parts without pretending the hard parts didn't exist.

You can love someone and grieve them without endorsing everything they did. A eulogy is not a performance review. It's not a court case. It's a moment to say: this person was here, they mattered, and the world is different without them.

If you truly can't say anything positive: Consider keeping it very short (the 90-second template works well here), or ask someone else to speak instead. There is no obligation to perform grief you don't feel.

This is the hardest eulogy to write. If you're in this situation, know that the fact that you're trying at all says something important about who YOU are.

Before & After: Generic vs. Specific

The generic version could describe thousands of people. The specific version could only describe one. That's the difference between a eulogy people forget by the parking lot and one they talk about for years.

Timing Guide

When in doubt, go shorter. A 3-minute eulogy that makes people cry is better than a 10-minute eulogy that makes people check their phones.

Tips for Delivering the Eulogy

Bring a printed copy. Large font (16pt+), double-spaced. Even if you've memorized it. Grief and nerves wipe your memory.

Bring water. Your mouth will go dry. A glass of water at the podium is your lifeline.

It's okay to cry. Pause. Breathe. Take a sip. The audience will wait. They understand.

Have a backup person. Ask someone to stand near the front. If you can't continue, they can step up and read the rest from your printed copy.

Look up. Find 2-3 friendly faces and make eye contact. This grounds you and makes it feel like a conversation.

Speak slowly. Nerves make people rush. Consciously slow down. Pauses are powerful — they let the audience feel what you just said.

You will survive this. It will be one of the hardest things you've ever done. And afterward, people will come up to you and say, "That was beautiful." Because it will be.

Frequently Asked Questions